A letter to Kerstin

     The mere thought of this post bought tears to my eyes.  It is about the inevitable, that one thing that no man can escape.  No matter the exercise routines, the meds and vitamins we take daily; they may aid in prolonging and making this life a little better and healthier.  They just cannot keep us here forever.  Death is that thing we will face and we can't get around that. 

     I must admit that I have selfish thoughts when it comes to death.  Since Kerstin came into my life 13 years, 1 month and 11 days ago and my entire outlook on life has changed forever.  I cannot imagine my life without Kerstin and I can't even comprehend her living a life without me!  One of those may happen, sadly.  Back to my selfish thoughts, I have prayed at times, that when that time comes, that it be in a manner that we could leave this earthly home together.  I can't imagine the heartache it may cause my family but, it can't possibly compare to that of Kerstin or myself to have to live without each other. 

     

With Kerstin in Selma at the Edmund Pettus Bridge

     So, I thought about writing a letter to my sweet daughter. 

My sweetest Kerstin,

     I have loved you more than my own life.  You have meant the world and more to me.  Words can't fully express the love that I have for you, my sweet girl!  This journey we have been on together has been one of many ups and downs, some pains but great joys.   When I was pregnant with you, I imagined a life much  different than the one we have lived.  

     I hope that I have shown you a smidget of the love that I have for you.  I have loved the cold winter days when you didn't got to school and we sat watching whatever animated, you not wanting to share your blankets.  I have loved taking you to the movies and you ignoring me completely once the lights went down.  I love the way you stare at me until I looked at you only to poke your tongue at me.  Your laugh, I just love hearing you laugh so hard that you begin to shake.  

     Kerstin, you made me look at life differently!  Before you, I never thought about things like accessible parking, hand rails in bathrooms, ramps, inclusion and so much more.  I never knew that I would be required to do and learn so much in order to take care of you.  I would not change any of the things we have endured together.  The many surgeries and hospital stays only made us stronger!  You have been a true example of strength and courage sweet girl. 

     I love you darling!  No one can say that I didn't do what I could to be a voice for you.  You have been my life!  We are forever together!  

Loving you always and forever,

Your Mommy!


     So, I can only hope that, if I should leave this place before or without my daughter, someone would read this letter to her and continuously remind her that her mommy loved her to no end!  

What's in an introduction?

   

  Hi, My name is Mattisa.  This is my daughter, Kerstin.  How much more do you just willingly give when you first meet a person or a group?  When you meet new people do you tell them your name, your medical diagnoses?  Not many of us do!  Then why do some feel the need to just volunteer information on their child with special needs?  "Hi, I'm "Sue", this is my son, "John", he has Cerebral Palsy, he can't walk, or talk, etc..."  Would you tell another person things about your "typical" or so called "normal" child, especially when it's personal and medical?

     I've sat in meetings and conferences and other gatherings when parents have introduced their children and they have pretty much told all in the matter of seconds.  I can't help but think and wonder, would the child want you to do that?  It's doubtful, especially if they are preteens or teens!  I can't help but think that the child(ren) would be like "Really, mom, you're giving all of my personal information out!"  

     What's in an introduction?  A greeting?  Your name?  Your age? Your medical history? These things are appropriate in the right settings.  Medical history, I feel should only be given when you're meeting new doctors with/for your child.  Think about your child, as the person first...would you really tell all at the first meet?  

     Yes, this blog is dedicated to Kerstin and our journey!  Yes, I've included medical things here about her and I've done so without giving too many intimate details.  Cerebral Palsy is an umbrella with many details underneath and so is Epilepsy, there are many types of seizures.